I can remember one situation in particular. I was at a software conference on my own. Going to the presentations and the vendors’ booths was no problem. It was the evening socials that I had trouble with.

Each night the vendors would put on huge elaborate parties. One night the center of attention would be acrobats, the next, the theme would be a casino. There seemed to be no end to what the party organizers would dream up nor what the vendors were willing to pay for.

They had good reason to. Their primary interest was just to get peoples’ attention. They knew that the people at this conference had already spent a lot of money – and that they would probably be willing to spend more.

The problem was the guests. At one particular party they were all lined up against the wall like a bunch of sixth graders at their first dance. No one was talking. Everyone was looking away from each other. In effect, the party was dead.

I hung around for about 10 minutes. I didn’t feel any more comfortable than the rest, so I left to go watch a movie - too bad for the vendors who had put so much effort and money into the party.

Of course I’m not the only one to experience difficulty when talking to others I don’t know. In fact, I get a lot of emails from people looking for advice about it. They figure that if I can help people talk to audiences, then I must be able to help them talk to individuals as well.

The logic isn’t all that faulty. Since overcoming my fear of public speaking I have found that social situations such as the one I described are much easier to deal with – especially if I remember to apply a subtle twist on one of the rules I have already shared with you.

The rule for public speaking is, “Don’t focus on your fear - focus on your material instead.”

If you haven’t tried it make sure that you do. Trust me; it can really help alleviate fear when you are speaking to an audience.

The twist for speaking to people you don’t know is, “Don’t focus on your fear - focus on their material instead.”

“What does that mean?”

Well, often when we are speaking to others we are concerned with one thing – what will s/he think of me. That creates worry which leads to fear.

Instead, try focusing on what the other person is interested in. Ask him/her questions. Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about the subject – get them to explain it to you. There are very few people who don’t enjoy talking about what is happening in their lives.

By focusing on them, you are helping make them feel more comfortable as well as yourself.

“Yeah, but what will they think of me if I don’t have anything to say?”

I think that question can be best answered with a story from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Carnegie recounts a party where he met a woman. She asks him about his recent trip to Africa and tells him that she is interested because she was there herself. He immediately responded by saying, “Were you? You must tell me about it.”

The rest of the evening is filled with stories of her trip. At the end of the evening she tells an associate that she really liked Mr. Carnegie – that he was a fascinating man and an excellent conversationalist.

I have found that Dale Carnegie’s experience is not unique. Take the time to find out about others while conversing and you will reduce your nervousness as well as increase their opinion of you.

Copyright © 2007 David Mudie
All Rights Reserved

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